In March, we lost a baby.

On March 10, I was supposed to be 8 weeks pregnant. Instead, we found out that day that the baby had stopped growing around 4-5 weeks.

The image on the ultrasound of the egg sac and what was supposed to be my healthy baby but was just a tiny blob is pretty much frozen in my mind.

I prayed all the way to that ultrasound appointment, that against all odds, there would be a heartbeat. I hoped and believed so hard. But there wasn’t.


Everything had felt so perfect; the timing felt so right. Jaye and her new sibling were going to be 3 years apart, just like we had wanted. The new baby would be born right after/before my 30th birthday, just like Jaye was born right after Phil’s 30th birthday. We were ready to be pregnant again, so ready for another baby. It was supposed to work out.

That afternoon, I kept thinking of really stupid “positive” things like “Well, at least now I can wear those cute summer dresses I bought on sale before I knew I was pregnant.” or “I can have a beer tonight.” and each one would make me cry. I didn’t want to wear those dresses or have a beer, I wanted my baby. I still don’t want to wear them.

It feels like a terrible joke. Especially the fact that I had to continue to walk around and do things like a normal person. Go to work, take the dog for a walk, cook dinner. One night, as we were walking the dog, I burst into tears in front of some random house and Jaye gave me a hug and a kiss to make me feel better. A few nights later, as we passed that same house, she asked, “Are you sad, Mama?”

It took 3 weeks from the time we found out until the time I actually had the physical miscarriage. 3 really long, cruddy weeks, where I was pregnant but not really. I was having no signs of miscarriage, but it was there and always on my mind.

A $1200 bill came today from the ultrasound that confirmed the baby wasn’t growing any more. The cruelest knife twist right at the end.

Wednesday of last week, as I was putting Jaye to bed, I started bleeding more heavily. I sat on the couch and watched a couple of episodes of Love it or List it while the physical part of my pregnancy finally came to an end. At the time, I felt relieved, glad that the limbo was over, grateful that it happened naturally. It restored my faith in my body as strong and capable.

And most days, I feel strong and capable, too.

Psalm 37:24, comfort after miscarriage, miscarriage bible verse


  1. I’m thinking of you. Thanks for sharing your story.

  2. *hugs*

  3. Oh, Jill. My prayers are with you, with all of you, and with your so very loved and hoped for baby.

  4. Catie Hawver says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve experienced it myself , and then went through it twice with Grace. It is so painful, and yet I never have felt The Lord hold me so close. I pray you will feel His comfort. I cried every day for a long time, but you will get through this. So sorry friend.

    • Thank you, Catie. It’s helpful to know others have gone through the same thing, even though I wish no one else had to. Prayer is helping.
      Jill recently posted…LossMy Profile

  5. Thank you for sharing your story Jill. It brought tears to my eyes to read about what you and Phil have been dealing with for these past few weeks. We love you guys.

  6. Jill,

    There are no words I can say to adequately tell you how deeply saddened for your loss. I am incredibly sorry. You will be in my thoughts and prayers– and I’m grieving with you today. Love you, friend.
    April recently posted…A 30 BEFORE 30 update!My Profile

  7. Julia – we’re so very sorry for your loss. We’ll continue to remember you and your family in our prayers. We’ll pray that God puts his loving arms around you and gives you strength to get through your grief.

  8. We love you guys so much, and feel so sad up here too. We’re holding you in our hearts and hope that each day brings more healing.

  9. I’m so sorry Jill – I had no idea. I will keep you in our prayers.

  10. Oh Jill, I am so sorry for your family’s loss. There are no words adequate for me to say to ease your pain, but I want you to know you’re in my steadfast prayers.

    Nicole @ Three 31 recently posted…Resolution Update // March 2014My Profile

  11. barb berg says:

    Dear Jill and Phil,
    I saw this post today…I am so sorry. Blessings and love to you during this difficult situation. Thank you for sharing your story. By sharing such a personal and sad time…you help others and allow us to send you strength and prayer.
    No words can suffice. Just know my hand is over my heart in complete love to you and phil.

  12. My sweet darling daughter, I love you so much. You are so good and so strong, and such a wonderful mother. I don’t know why you had to go through this, but I know with all my heart that God will send you and Phil another baby to love when His time is right.

  13. Dina Martinez says:

    My daughter is having a D&C now as I type, it is a sad moment fetus was 10 weeks gestation stopped growing at 8 weeks

  14. Dina Martinez says:

    My daughter is having a D&C now as I type, it is a sad moment fetus was 10 weeks gestation stopped growing at 8 weeks.

    Praying for your peace and knowing we have Angels

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    but I know I am getting familiarity every day by reading
    thes nice content.
    Jannie recently posted…JannieMy Profile


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